LOG n.13 - Limbo

26.2.2026 20:55 - Puerto de Mogán, Gran Canaria

The trade winds from the north-east came in the middle of the night. Singing through the masts reminded me of colder weather. I miss it. And I miss sailing. I miss the nights of solitude with the sound of the wind reflecting off the rocks.

I miss the crystals of salt cutting my cheeks as I sail under 20 degree angle. I miss even that. I miss opening the sails and being dragged by the invisible force into the future of my freedom. 

I want to go. Soon.

I am contemplating a lot in this limbo. Old pain is resurfacing. Pain that I felt for decades. Obviously not gone. My mental setting suffered a few dips below the freezing point as my mind took into account every possible disagreement from every source outside of me. I thought I was over that.

It got used to it, the mind. Years ago. I tried to curate a persona to fit the outside world with enough authenticity for me to survive, but leaving no gaps for a potential attack. At least I thought that, not realizing, that the attack was coming from within the whole time.

Values of the environment you grew up in will become your subconscious default, and will stay as such, unless consciously reset. Even if it involves the rejection of ones existence.

It is a much difficult thing to reset completely. It comes back in circles, reminding me that I have not crossed the finish line. Even though the idea of doing that and finally reaching eternal calmness is something very tempting, it’s also something very unrealistic, because that’s not how it works. And I fortunately know that.

Where did we get this idea that the achievement of something secures our peace? It comes the other way, and the closer to peace we get, we tend to forget that fact and do the merry-go-round again.

It’s indeed tiring. 

I’m tired. I want answers.

They’re all here tough, and that fact is, for some reason, hard to accept. 

The silence of the limbo was broken by an unexpected email from the insurance company on Wednesday’s midnight, mentioning the absence of documentation from my side, which is simply false. But at least some communication started. I am looking forward to that. 

EDIT: This was written as the date suggests. On 26th of Febuary. Why it wasn't published? Why did I notice only now? No-one knows.